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The Dark and the Night

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Lerins

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Creeping,
sneaking through the dark,
moving silently in the night.

Looking,
eyes adjusting to the dark,
the world looks different at night.

Listening,
things seem louder in the dark,
do sounds carry more in the night?

Feeling,
I am alone here in the dark,
thoughts of better things to come will get me through the night.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:42 pm Report this post to a moderator
Phil Team member

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I rather like this. It's got a nice pattern to it, and I like the repetition of ending with "dark ... night." Seems you're keeping to theme, with the poem, the signature, and the avatar.
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Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 1:41 am Report this post to a moderator
Great Wyrm

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It seems a bit short to me. I know it's hard to write (good) long poems, and I bet it's tricky when you're stuck in a narrow style like this, but to me, this poem doesn't really say much.
I also don't like the last stanza. It seems like it it's a completely different subject. The first three establish sensory imagery about the world at night; I like those, and I think they could have been a good lead to a longer poem. That last verse, however, suddenly takes the focus from the formless night and, out of nowhere, brings a person and some emotional baggage into it where, IMHO, it doesn't belong.
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... if a worm's hunting you, there's not much time.
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:20 pm Report this post to a moderator
Lerins

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When you say it's "out of place," do you mean in this poem or poetry in general (I'm guessing the former)?
I agree that it's short, but it was really a constraint of the format I decided to write in.
The last bit was sort of thrown in there to make it a little longer, but also to give it some point. The way I intended it was that poem is about a lonely someone thinking during the night. The first three are observations about the darkness, and the fourth about their situation.
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:39 pm Report this post to a moderator
Great Wyrm

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Yes, I meant your poem, not in general. Poetry would be rather dull, and there'd be a lot less of it, if it couldn't be about emotion.
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... if a worm's hunting you, there's not much time.
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Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:53 pm Report this post to a moderator
Ben Grader

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Enjoyable and very thought provoking. Is there some way to shorten the last line? To me it seems to spoil the balance.
Born and bred a country yokel
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:56 pm Report this post to a moderator
Lerins

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QuoteEnjoyable and very thought provoking. Is there some way to shorten the last line? To me it seems to spoil the balance.


I spent a while trying to come up with something else for that, that also fit with the idea I wanted to get across. It wasn't easy, and I couldn't really find anything that worked. Since the rest of the poem is really setting up for the last line in a pretty generic way, I could probably get away with changing the idea a bit and still having it work out. I might just give that a try.
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:33 am Report this post to a moderator
Bluesy Socrateaser

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Feeling,
I am alone here in the dark,
These dreams help me through the night


Just my take.
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:23 am Report this post to a moderator
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