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Posted by Lerins on Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:42 pm
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Creeping,
<br>sneaking through the dark,
<br>moving silently in the night.
<br>
<br>Looking,
<br>eyes adjusting to the dark,
<br>the world looks different at night.
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<br>Listening,
<br>things seem louder in the dark,
<br>do sounds carry more in the night?
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<br>Feeling,
<br>I am alone here in the dark,
<br>thoughts of better things to come will get me through the night.
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Posted by Phil on Fri Jul 15, 2005 1:41 am
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I rather like this. It's got a nice pattern to it, and I like the repetition of ending with "dark ... night." Seems you're keeping to theme, with the poem, the signature, and the avatar.
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Posted by Great Wyrm on Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:20 pm
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It seems a bit short to me. I know it's hard to write (good) long poems, and I bet it's tricky when you're stuck in a narrow style like this, but to me, this poem doesn't really say much.
<br />I also don't like the last stanza. It seems like it it's a completely different subject. The first three establish sensory imagery about the world at night; I like those, and I think they could have been a good lead to a longer poem. That last verse, however, suddenly takes the focus from the formless night and, out of nowhere, brings a person and some emotional baggage into it where, IMHO, it doesn't belong.
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Posted by Lerins on Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:39 pm
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When you say it's "out of place," do you mean in this poem or poetry in general (I'm guessing the former)?
<br />I agree that it's short, but it was really a constraint of the format I decided to write in.
<br />The last bit was sort of thrown in there to make it a little longer, but also to give it some point. The way I intended it was that poem is about a lonely someone thinking during the night. The first three are observations about the darkness, and the fourth about their situation.
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Posted by Great Wyrm on Wed Jul 27, 2005 8:53 pm
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Yes, I meant your poem, not in general. Poetry would be rather dull, and there'd be a lot less of it, if it couldn't be about emotion.
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Posted by Ben Grader on Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:56 pm
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Enjoyable and very thought provoking. Is there some way to shorten the last line? To me it seems to spoil the balance.
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Posted by Lerins on Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:33 am
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<blockquote ><div><cite>Quote</cite>Enjoyable and very thought provoking. Is there some way to shorten the last line? To me it seems to spoil the balance.</div></blockquote>
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<br />I spent a while trying to come up with something else for that, that also fit with the idea I wanted to get across. It wasn't easy, and I couldn't really find anything that worked. Since the rest of the poem is really setting up for the last line in a pretty generic way, I could probably get away with changing the idea a bit and still having it work out. I might just give that a try.
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Posted by Bluesy Socrateaser on Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:23 am
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Feeling,
<br />I am alone here in the dark,
<br />These dreams help me through the night
<br />
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<br />Just my take.
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