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Posted by Poetichick on Tue Feb 17, 2004 2:45 am
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Another year, coming to an end,<br>But yet so much more the new year bring.<br>In my hands I hold memories of the past,<br>And keys to the future,<br>Looking out on what today only brings,<br>Infinite monotony.<br><br>I am a minor<br>Looking out onto an adult only world,<br>Fearing only that world that I am about to step out into.<br>I don't want to look back on where I've been,<br>And what I've done,<br>Regretting all that I've done,<br>And never did.<br><br>So close to getting the respect I deserve,<br>The freedom I crave,<br>To be the free bird<br>I've always wanted to be,<br>But yet I know,<br>I will be cursed,<br>By that never ending monotony.<br><br>I've been living in a vicious cycle,<br>In which my past comes back to haunt me.<br>Repetitive mannerisms,<br>How things come and go.<br>Living one rerun after another.<br><br>So let us now raise our glasses high,<br>Give out a cheer,<br>And rewind that video tape<br>To be played once again.
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Posted by Ben Grader on Wed Oct 27, 2004 11:28 am
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I like this but would suggest that the 2nd line is modified to
<br>'But yet so much more the new year brings.'
<br>A deep read which needs a lot of thought.
<br>I shall have to come back again, I am running short of time.
<br>Afternoon and time to go again.
<br>Might I also suggest that the final verse does not quite balance?
<br>
<br>So let us now raise our glasses high,
<br>Give out a cheer,
<br>And rewind that video tape
<br>To be played once again.
<br>
<br>Could I suggest
<br>So let us now raise glasses high;
<br>give out a cheer
<br>rewind that video tape
<br>and play it once again.
<br>
<br>I think that the 2nd version reads and also sounds more rhythmic
<br>
<br>I was told many years ago that the best way of checking work was to read it aloud. Any stumbling blocks would then show up.<br><br><!--EDIT:1098878929:Ben Grader-->
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Posted by Lerins on Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:49 pm
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I really like the theme of it, but some of the phrasing seems a little awkward. In the first line of the second verse, I think using 'child' in place of 'minor' feels better (to me).
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Posted by Bluesy Socrateaser on Wed Mar 11, 2009 6:58 am
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<blockquote ><div><cite>Quote</cite>So let us now raise our glasses high,
<br />Give out a cheer,
<br />And rewind that video tape
<br />To be played once again.</div></blockquote>
<br />
<br />Please God, not that <em>monotonous</em> Yellowstone vacation video again! <img src="http://www.poetsquill.com/images/forums/emoticons/sad.gif" alt=':(' />
<br />
<br />(you got enough crits, you don't need anymore)
<br />
<br />...<img src="http://www.poetsquill.com/images/forums/emoticons/cool.gif" alt='8)' />
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