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Posted by Emily on Thu Jan 29, 2004 10:38 pm
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Truth be told<br>Said the Spoon<br>That cow did jump<br>Over the moon<br>But I'm afraid<br>I hate to
say<br>He'll be back<br>Soon comes that day<br>And we'll return<br>You Dish and me Spoon<br>To that place<br>Beneath that moon<br>And when the cow<br>Comes down to be<br>He'll break you<br>And squish me.
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Posted by Rebekkah on Sun Feb 01, 2004 12:45 am
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Whimsical...the uneven rhyme was a bit off-putting.
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Posted by Ben Grader on Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:44 am
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Emily, I liked this one, the humorous touch tickled me. I have one criticsm, I have a fad about repetative words and feel that
<br>
<br>To that place
<br>Beneath that moon
<br>
<br>would scan better as
<br>
<br>To that place
<br>Beneath the moon
<br>
<br>Just a little idiosycrasy of mine but I always fume when I find that I have used the same word twice in one verse.
<br>
<br>Did you belong to the old PQ as Emily-the-Fairy?<br><br><!--EDIT:1098602990:Ben Grader-->
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Posted by Lerins on Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:36 pm
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The first half or so feels like it has a nice rhythm to it, but it break up toward the end. The rhyme seems a bit too uneven to seem intentional, but the rhythm is, to borrow Rebekkah's term, 'off-putting.'
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Posted by Bluesy Socrateaser on Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:52 am
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Again, critique aside, the light-heartedness had me grinning first and smiling later.
<br />Sounds like the makings of a children's book.
<br />
<br />I know that critique is good. It helps a writer to grow and aids in the polishing of their work. But there's also something that needs to be seen through the sometimes obscure eye-piece.
<br />The story.
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