Santa Claus kicked my ass

I was bitter at Santa Claus because of something he didn't bring me when I was a kid.
I decided to get revenge but now I regret what I did.
When I was eight, I sent Santa a letter to the North Pole.
I asked for a bicycle but I got a lump of coal.
Santa brought me coal because that year I was bad.
When he didn't bring me a new bicycle, I was very mad.
I waited until I was all grown up to fight Kris Kringle.
He knocked my teeth down my throat and that's why I'm still single.
When he came down the chimney, I was waiting for him.
I would've hid under the bed had I known he'd win.
I punched him in his stomach and it shook like a bowl full of jelly.
This guy needed a bath because he was really smelly.
I punched him in the eye and then I socked him in the nose.
I wouldn't have fought him if I would've known he would retaliate with such hard blows.
Santa was so mad, he started having a fit.
He grabbed a paper weight and hit me in the head with it.
After he beat the crap out of me, he tore off part of my leg.
Now I'm like a pirate because I walk on a peg.
I learned a valuable lesson when Santa broke every bone in my body.
Before I fought old Saint Nick, I should've learned karate.