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The Cow's Return

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Emily

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Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2004 9:43 pm
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Truth be told
Said the Spoon
That cow did jump
Over the moon
But I'm afraid
I hate to say
He'll be back
Soon comes that day
And we'll return
You Dish and me Spoon
To that place
Beneath that moon
And when the cow
Comes down to be
He'll break you
And squish me.
...Memories of sparkling nightmares
  And divine torments
  Lost in my purple imagination...
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Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2004 10:38 pm Report this post to a moderator
Rebekkah
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Whimsical...the uneven rhyme was a bit off-putting.
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Posted: Sun Feb 01, 2004 12:45 am Report this post to a moderator
Ben Grader

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Total Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:24 am
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Emily, I liked this one, the humorous touch tickled me. I have one criticsm, I have a fad about repetative words and feel that

To that place
Beneath that moon

would scan better as

To that place
Beneath the moon

Just a little idiosycrasy of mine but I always fume when I find that I have used the same word twice in one verse.

Did you belong to the old PQ as Emily-the-Fairy?

Born and bred a country yokel
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 11:44 am Report this post to a moderator
Lerins

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Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:39 am
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The first half or so feels like it has a nice rhythm to it, but it break up toward the end. The rhyme seems a bit too uneven to seem intentional, but the rhythm is, to borrow Rebekkah's term, 'off-putting.'
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 6:36 pm Report this post to a moderator
Bluesy Socrateaser

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Total Posts: 225
Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2009 6:14 am
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Again, critique aside, the light-heartedness had me grinning first and smiling later.
Sounds like the makings of a children's book.

I know that critique is good. It helps a writer to grow and aids in the polishing of their work. But there's also something that needs to be seen through the sometimes obscure eye-piece.
The story.
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:52 am Report this post to a moderator
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